6-4-01

First I would like to refer all of you to our friends over at Penny Arcade, namely Tycho. It seemed only a matter of time till my rants would get some agreement (knowingly or not) by the big cheeses. I just didn’t know it would be after the FIRST rant.

But, onto today’s lesson, children.

Games suck. Ok, so I don’t actually mean that. But I want to continue to progress down this road of dumb games that we try to patronize and turn our heads from when they walk down the hall, as we say, "there just ‘slow’ games". Even my friends over at IGN will agree, as they put it, "By the end of E3 everyone agreed that content is king. No matter how good games look in this next-generation, the real value is still about a game's substance." And in the now, the substance is truly lacking…ok, so I'm beating this dead horse, I know.

But this truth leads well into a new thought. Which new system will win? Neo-geo believes that they will all fail. I would too, if I had sunk 11 million into a failed project that didn’t net one penny. Screw them. I know I think that games are heading to the crapper, but don’t mistake that for thinking that there isn’t a market for feces soiled games…just look at all the poke’mon games.

There will be, and there IS a market for new systems. Because new systems mean new graphics, and new graphics mean new interest, and new interest means new titles and new titles….well, I think you catcheth my drifteth. But what does this MEAN!!! Easy as cheese. The System wars will keep going. Sega is being replaced, basically, by Microsoft in the console department. Simply put, there will always be wars and rumors of wars, amongst us Funcoland generation.

The PS2. Just saying that name 1-year ago would have made a million gamers spontaneously scream in joy and defecate on themselves. But now, the same gamer’s defecation is only on the claim stubs for the PS2’s that never were delivered. And on a few, the urine is hitting the systems themselves. This writer’s opinion is simple. It was sad that Sony was scared so much that they had to release a system that didn’t have crap for games yet. The PS2 is a good system, for what it is. But too many expected so much more than they received. Others, myself included, didn’t have great expectations, and that helps my opinion of the PS2. But besides all this, the PS2 will last in its own right. It will still harbor great RPG’s and easy gameplay, and that is a gem nowadays, one that Playstation has cornered the market on.

Game cube. Nope…no screams or weak bladders. Just 2 million poke’mon fans smiling at there parents for the newest installment of what is just modern cock-fighting. Ok, that’s harsh. Too harsh for the system that, in this writer’s humble opinion, made gaming what it is today. The Gamecube will do what the 64 did. Fun multi-player games, and fun characters, with interesting environments in which to work with. Except it will have graphics. I have always wondered if the designers at Nintendo still listened to cassettes. Congratulations Nintendo for going CD. Your wallets will thank you. With games like Mario Party part whatever and Super Smash Brothers hitting the Game Cube, I am not worried about the "fun" level of the system. And financially they aren’t worried. They own the old gamers with titles staring Link and Zelda, or Samus from Metroid. The new market is obviously there with games such as poke mon. But it is balls to walls time for Nintendo. For the first time since the SNES, they have the ability to make some great games, which will always stay in the top ten’s of gamers everywhere. I can’t say where they’re going with it, because they’re not even sure. But I can hope can’t I?

Microsoft is splitting, which isn’t worrying us gamers enough. It should, but it isn’t. A million scenarios could come of this, the worst being a compatibility issue with the PC games of the future. How scary would it be if our PC’s became like consoles in compatibility issues? If there were 5 main OSs' and certain games were only made for one or two of them? But I'm getting ahead of myself here. The topic at hand should be the X-box. Ok, I just defecated. So I love the damn 10 box, as I have come to call it. From sports games, to action games and even RPG’s I think we have a winner. The reason isn’t the system itself, but the software support, and the mindset that went into its design. But I am still worried. Worried that people will look at the X-box as something its not. It isn’t Microsoft, nor is it some evil enterprise move. It’s a system for gamers. The games that have been seen so far, especially at E3, are incredible. As well as this, they seem to steal some of the Playstations glory, with the future release of Metal Gear: Sons of Liberty, in the X-box’s future. It does lack, however, a light side. It is a bulky black box, designed in an X, with an evil green light; much like the veil described in Terry Goodkind's, Wizards First Rule. Dark and mysterious, with games equal to its eerieness. Frankly, though, I don’t give two tugs of a dead dogs….well you know….about the "darkness" of the X-box, save maybe the added COOLNESS it gives it. I am quite excited to see what is done with the X-box. It has Sega’s sports series as well, which I have neglected to mention, for fear that I may once again defecate in my cargos.

So who wins? Nintendo. What you say? (Sorry, had to put that in there). No no. Not the game cube. A hidden wonder. Few people actually know that the highest grossing, and most popular system ever was not the Nintendo, Sega or Playstation. And no, it wasn’t the neo-geo, for all 3 of you out there who bought it. It was the Gameboy. And now, we have its hip-technologicaly-addictied-crazy-rufus-masterful-comesinwhite,purple,orclearpurple-teenage-son. The Gameboy Advanced. Ok, so the name isn’t original enough for you. But hey, at least they’re not calling it a dolphin or duckbilled platypus. Be real, and recognize it for what it is. The greatest invention in the last 30 days, or so. One day we may be able to cure cancer and aids, but in the meantime, why not play what should have been made years ago. It has the graphic capabilities of the SNES, and a game-line that may not cause me to defecate, but could make me talk about defecating. Its only negative is that it STILL needs a light-sorce, but most of us are used to it. Secret of Evermore, Mario, Castlevania, and a slew of other titles from Capcom, Nintendo and Sega. I'm sorry but it is better than anything else.

But we must be fair. It’s not really a console. I mean, honestly, who would rather play Gameboy than Playstation? Put your hand down TDC.

So to wrap,

Playstation 2- got a bad rap, but will still be a cool system.

Game Cube- Fun and for party people. A few cool single player games, and mostly name recognition with games that have our favorite characters in them.

X-box- DAMNIT, I need to buy diapers or something. Dark and damn skippy. Some of the best titles, and a great future, with endless possibilities.

So, that’s what I say.